First actual post and my birthday Week!

     Hello all of my wonderful friends! I've been thinking for a couple of days of how I want this blog to be and I've come up with... I don't know lol. I've struggled with blogs for many years now, as I said before I used to have one with a couple of posts in it and I LOVED writing in it. One day I woke up and just felt so uninspired, and when I felt inspired I always thought well.. who cares what I have to write? I think that's the beauty of a blog is that it isn't about who doesn't want to hear what you have to say, but about who WANTS to. If someone doesn't want to read what I have to write, then they wouldn't click on my page in the first place.  

    It's taken many years to realize that what I have to say is important. Not that I, myself, am important..but more so, I have a voice. Even if it's just me listening to it. I think it's important to acknowledge that I value what I have to say even if no one else does. 

    I say all this not because I feel that others don't value my thoughts/opinions, but because for so long I haven't felt worthy of having them. This is turning into much deeper of a post than I anticipated lol... BUT I know I'm not the only one who feels this way so I feel it's important to be real with people so that they know they aren't alone in life. I try to be as open as possible with people because you never really know what people are going through in life. As I always say...everyone has their own demons.

    So I say all this to say... It was my birthday this week lol! Why I feel the need to introduce that thought with all the previous thoughts is beyond me, but there it is. 

    When I was younger my birthday was a big deal, which I'm sure most people can relate to. As you get older you stop feeling the need to celebrate until one day you just don't care that it's your birthday at all. For a couple of years now, I didn't care it was my birthday... but why be like that? I don't need to throw a big celebration for myself or anything, but I've come to the realization as I've gotten older that LIFE IS TOO SHORT. Life should be celebrated! So, this year I celebrated by doing absolutely nothing on my actual birthday. My husband was adamant in telling me to not do anything and to just relax and have a good day..so I did just that. I didn't stress. I took a bath, I hung out with my puppy, and then when my husband came home from work we hung out together for the rest of the night. Let me tell you...it's the best birthday present I have given myself for a long time. 

    I started this blog and got into giveaways (which I still feel weird saying..but it's fun trust me!). I'm beginning to feel creative again. Keeping up this blog, finding and updating the giveaway section, making YouTube videos, crocheting, and knitting. It's been a long time since I wanted to do things just because I enjoy them. This year has been full of ups and downs, obviously not just for me but for everyone. I struggle with depression quite bad..and have for years now. Nothing felt worth doing to me, so to say these things bring me joy is really exciting to me. There's been a lot of good that has happened this year for us, one of the top things being that I was able to leave a job that I was absolutely miserable at and become a stay at home wife. This helped to break off some off that negative energy in my life and I quickly found myself looking for things to do that made me happy. I was doing really good for a couple of months...until Charlie.

    Now I'm sure most of you guys who are actually reading my blog know about Charlie, but on the off chance you don't..well here you go. Charlie was my corgi. He would have been 7 this month...a couple of days actually. He was diagnosed with lymphoma at the beginning of January (which feels like a lifetime ago now). We didn't think he was going to make it for a couple of days there..and we decided to put him through chemotherapy. He did VERY well on it and finished the round, but the very last treatment his liver levels sky rocketed. The oncologist gave us a bunch of medications to help lower his liver enzymes...which they slowly did over the next couple of weeks. He was in remission.. for about 3 months. He hadn't ate normally since the end of December and was very quickly losing weight so he was very skinny. Then he started throwing up again (which was happening for a couple of weeks before he was diagnosed) and I felt in my heart his time was coming. We had to put him down the next week. I don't really know why I included all this in this post...but I really miss him a lot. Every single day. So maybe it's just something I need to talk about. I wanted to put a picture of him in here for you guys. 

What I was saying before that lead into that was pretty much this triggered my depression very intensely. It's taken me a really long time to try to pull myself together, even though on the outside I seem fine. I feel like I may have lost my train of thought, but what I'm trying to say is that I feel like I'm finally (at least trying) to come out of the hole. I want to do things again. I really want to start working out again and do some challenges and what not to film for YouTube. 

    I always question myself as to whether or not I want to talk about depression and what not. I've never been professionally diagnosed, but it's evident to me that I struggle with depression, amongst other things. Sometimes I feel like since I've never been "properly" diagnosed that it makes my struggles invalid to people in a way... which it shouldn't. But I think I'm going to keep this in here because I know I'm not the only one who struggles with mental illnesses and has never been properly diagnosed. It doesn't make it any less real. I want to be as real as I can with you guys and to be honest it makes me feel quite vulnerable to put myself out there like this, but I can't tell you how many posts I've read on the internet about people who feel the same way I do and how much better it made me feel to know I wasn't the only one. So, if this part of the post helps one person feel like they aren't alone...then I'm glad I kept it in.

    Anyways, I hope this doesn't come across as too ramble-y but also if it does... oh well lol. That's the point of a blog anyways I suppose. Thank you guys for being here... for reading what I post, for watching my YouTube videos, and for just supporting me in general. I've said this in a previous post or video, but I want this blog and my YouTube to be OUR community. I place where you can come when you need support or to feel loved or heard. YOU matter...YOU are loved....and YOU always have a place here. I hope you guys have a wonderful night/day (whenever you're reading this). And I will talk to you all soon! 

    I've been trying to be more active on Instagram, so if you're interested in interacting on there, feel free to follow me. Click here to go to my page!

    Here's some pictures of the last week or two (I need to get better at taking more lol)...until next post!

This is Charlie 💓

This is our puppy, Dante 💞